Fanmail

Sri Vidya from Mysore has emailed me with the following comment: “hey shiladitya, ur heart is made of purest gold! only u cud have forgiven that old man for trying to abuse you in Jacuzzi!! Jacuzzi is no place for such nonsense, it is in fact a sacred area where busy execs go to relax, coz after all they are ones who are keeping the economy ticking!!!! Anywayz, i just wanted to ask u what are ur fav college fest songs that u like to see performed??? I was thrilled to see that u dig Chiquitita. To me that song is a summary of the meaning of true love!”

Thanx, Sri Vidya! Unlike from any other ppl, who listen to only one or two kinds of music, I like to listen to many different varieties and find enjoyment in all of them. If you ask me, music is a universal language. On my shelf, I have cassettes of Beethoven sitting next to cassettes of Nusrat Ali Khan.

Some of my fav numbers, that the KGP band has performed at Flavors (the annual KGP extravaganza):

1. Summer of 69, by Brian Adams
2. Hotel California, by Eagles
3. Wild World, by Mr. Big
4. 18 Till I Die, by Brian Adams
5. More than Words, by Extreme

True friendz

Sshhh…..!!! It’s Shil, baby!

Wassup, party ppl!! Your smooth blogger is back, and he’s bigger than ever!!!!!!! LOL.

Guyz. This is actually a serious post. Sometimes I feel that the pace of life is accelerating, and it’s becoming hard to hold on to memories. Memories of ppl you’ve lived with, ppl you’ve loved, ppl you’ve bonded with. And when those memories come back, it’s a set of mixed emotions. And that kind of baggage is something you carry for ever after. Guess you guyz know what I’m talking abt.

So I found out yesterday that my old crush from KGP days, gal by name of Vinitha, just had an arranged marriage to a lawyer in Bangalore. The alliance was announced in the TOI……….

……..what can I say?? Vini was one of those rare gals: she could be very chill abt things, but when it mattered she was very passionate abt a cause. She was also a beautiful singer, who represented KGP in all the inter-college music fests. If I close my eyes, I can remember her standing on the stage in front of a thousand ppl, singing effortlessly with perfect poise. Her favorite number? Chiquitita by ABBA. When she sang those immortal lines “Chiquitita, you and I know, how the heartaches come and they go and the scars they are leaving”, it was as if the whole auditorium had suddenly been transported into a Schrodinger’s box – with probability 1/2 we were still alive and with probability 1/2 we had passed into a heavenly realm.

Vini was my shoulder to cry on when times were tough, always giving me the advice that no one else dared to say. And who could forget the good times we had in Raju Bhaiya’s canteen, eating cutlets and drinking endless cups of tea!!! Yeah, as you probably guessed, I never told her my feelings. And of course, she thought I was just a “good friend”!! If she only knew!!! Guess some guyz are destined to only be “good friendz” forever. But what a good friend she was! When I was depressed over my poor performance in physics lab class, she was the one to comfort me. And when I topped the class in final year inorganic chemistry, she was the first to tell me congrats.

So let me be the first to tell her congrats now. Thx for the good times, Vini. If you’re ever in Edison, don’t forget to look up your good friend, Shil. And this time, we’re really just good friendz, promise!!!!

20-20 Tamasha!

Friendz, this is ultimate!!!! Here's a truly gr8 joke abt 20-20 World Cup that some ppl are forwarding on the internet.

Master interview... ......... Twenty-20 - World Cup Final Post match presentation interview between Shastri and winning captain Dhoni.

This Is Ultimate

In the post-match presentation, Ravi Shastri to Dhoni "Congratulations to you and the whole Indian team for winning this world cup. You guys have produced a great nail baiting show.. and deserves the cup. We welcome you to share the joy with us."

Dhoni "Thanks Ravi, the match was pretty close encounter between two great teams and our guys held the nerve to win the game and cup."

Shastri, "Who was the main reason for this thrilling victory?"

Dhoni, "All us played well but I would say the main reason and man behind this great victory is Ajit Agarkar"

Shocked Shastri..., "Agarkar ? ? .. how come Agarkar... he didn't played in the final"..

Dhoni, "Yeah.. that's the reason we won this low scoring match.. if he could have bowled in final, Pakistan would have scored the winning runs from his 4 overs ...."

Shastri, "ok.. fine, To whom you want to thank for winning this final..."

Dhoni, "The team doctor deserves the credit... he really helped us to prepare for the final..."

Shastri, "Is it? ?.... how the doctor helped to prepare for the final... he is not the coach or
physical trainer...Dhoni. . I am getting confusion"

Dhoni, " Ravi ... nothing to confuse... he has failed Sehwag in the fitness test according to our game plan and we managed to pick a good playing team.. thus we weigh the doctor's contribution as very high... infact it is better than our team effort in the field.. our game tactic worked well"

Shastri, "To whom you want to dedicate this World Cup?"

Dhoni, "The entire team including myself want to dedicate this cup to Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly..."

Shastri, "I really really appreciate you... its good that you have so much respect to the seniors ....and you ...."

Dhoni interrupts.. .. " Ravi .. let me complete...India would have exited in the Group matches if they decided to play in the series... thank god they opted out and we managed to play cricket and won the cup.."

Shastri, "The match was thrilling encounter and was concluded by a single mistake of Misbah.. Isn't it?"

Dhoni, "Yes you are right, after lofting the ball Misbah told me that he has sent the ball to where there was no one....but he didn't know that there is a malayali in every corner of the world.... This single mistake has costed the game and won the cup..."

Shastri faints and Dhoni receives the CUP and that is the end of the great Twenty-20 world cup...

Music business is churning, yaar!

Dudes and dudettes! Yo, kya haal hain? You're thinking Shil has forgotten to update the blog. But chillax, no ways I would forget my www family! I was busy with managerial work, yaar. Mapping future strategy for G-Crew IT support team. Complicated work, guyz…..what do you think, just looking at bottom-line will be enough? No! Have to develop synergy with the production and sales boyz, all in an expanding and fast changing market. And got to factor in work-life balance, coz in new management philosophy, that is critical survival parameter.

Sometimes, I now feel that although KGP is the best institution in India, it did not prepare me for the real management world. Yes, current and aspiring KGPites, there is a real world out there, a dog eat dog world of bedrooms lit up by blackberry screens at midnight and of 6 am management "huddles" in the control room…..

Sorry, guyz, I went a little senti there. I did not mean to lecture like those ass. profs (LOL!) at those commie DU colleges! This blogpost is about something different- western pop music.

Friendz, I am greatest Rahman fan, but sometimes I listen to English music if it is melodious and has good beats. For example, M. J., Shakira, Whitney Houston. Problem is, cost of original English cassettes is v. high. Unlike most of my pals, I don't go for illegal stuffs like free MP3s, coz I'm in responsible management position.

So, I am excited to hear about this new experiment by a British musical troupe called Radio Head. They will offer their new songs online at ANY price that the buyer is willing to pay. Minimum price is 2 penny. Question is: can global economy cope with this challenge??! Havoc will be aroused in world markets by such an aggressive marketing strategy!

Crux of the matter is: who the fuck is Radio Head??! Are they coming on Billboard Top 20 regularly?! Thanx God they are not so money-mad as other performers, but sadly no one cares. So, I don't think anyone except druggies will pay more than minimum price. But, this is still an exciting revolution. First of all, this is based on a Hindustani concept of bakshish, which is basically to pay the servant as you please. Second, maybe better musicians like Madonna will soon follow this plan...and I sure would pay 2 $ for her new CD.

Doston, would love to hear your response on this.

Cover letter funda!

Chillax and enjoy one more racy blog post from your fav blogger, Shil, folks! This one is in response to a special request: Shrikant from Indore has emailed me asking what is the proper protocol for writing a professional cover letter with respect to a job application to a reputed organization.

From time immemorial, writing a good cover letter has been troubling many ppl. Guyz. There is no formula for success. But few tips and tricks will take you a long way. So guyz, without further ado, here is a sample cover letter that Shil has written for your benefit:

Dear Sir,

I trust this letter finds you in the pink of health. Myself am Shiladitya, recently passed out from IIT KGP, a premier and prestigious academy, with due honors.

From the day I gained consciousness to this world, I have nourished my passion for a career in management consulting. Yes, poverty has been a bitter enemy, but it has taught me things that no one can teach you in a school. Life, as they say, is the greatest teacher. Challenges have come my way, one after another, and each time I have climbed one mountain, what did I see?? Another problem staring yours truly in the face! That is why time management has been the key to my success, otherwise I would have been “clean bowled” by a few small things.

Interpersonal skills is also something that came naturally to yours truly. Whether it be chatting for hours with friends in the canteen, or having a serious dialogue with intellectuals, or even a friendly encounter with a lower-caste worker, I have always come with the same approach: It’s not about me, it’s about YOU.

Still, I feel I am not worthy of a job with your organization. The name of McKinsey is world-famous, and who am I?? Only a small person with a big dream. I have hoped high and dreamt higher. Is it enough that I have topped my class all my life, or that I have developed my all-round abilities, and have also excelled in games? No, McKinsey is something else, a name beyond excellence. I write this letter to you, not to ask for a job, but to ask that you NOT take the trouble of considering me.

Even if after reading this letter, you think good of me, I am enclosing my bio-data for your kind perusal. But I request you again to not waste your valuable time on my application. I am the person who achieves quietly, who asks for no recognition, who is happy to stay a humble person for the rest of his life, not caring anybody. But when time comes, he rises to the occasion and delivers dynamic performance. And then smiles and walks away from success.

Yours truly

Shil

Occult phenomenons!!

Warning: this post is not for the faint-hearted! Seriously, guyz, if you can't take bhootiya stories, then come back another day. Ladies, some other time, please.

Most spooky thing happened at the G-Crew staff mixer this weekend. First, some background info on the mixer. Following recent promotion to managerial role, yours truly initialized this social mixer so that tech and non-tech staff can meet in informal setting. This mixing adds 4 stars to work-life balance, yaar! You won't be surprised to hear that your pal Shils got a pat on the back for this idea from Steve.

Steve who, you ask? Stephen Dotts Jr., the boss. All on first-name terms now, of course.

Anyways, this mixer was at Ted our Sales Manager's place. Jazzy crib, yaar! 5 bed palace in the posh suburb of Knob Hill. Ted's done well, but guyz, strange are the ways of God. Took his beautiful wife from him 7 years back.

To get back to story, party's swinging, Shils is having deep discussion on art films with Melanie, when all of sudden Manojit's 7 yr old daughter Ramona shrieks "Poochie!" and runs into Ted's arms. Guyz, I know you are thinking, so what? But here's the killer: Poochie was the nickname Ted's long-dead wife had given him. Now do I need to say that Ted looked totally stunned.

And then, Ramona proceeded to take us all on a guided tour of the house. Guyz, she knew the bungalow like I know KGP campus. She knew the combination to the safe and the drawers where Ted kept all their leather garments (left over from some fancy dress party, I think). Janata was speechless.

American public couldn't understand what hell was going on, but a desi knows reincarnation when he sees it. Weight of evidence was so strong that Ted was convinced and is now sponsoring Ramona's education (with binding agreement to marry him once she's of age, provided he's not found someone else).

Friendz, even though I am well-educated, and no doubt so you are, we have to accept that supernatural is all around us. I pray daily for God's blessing- thanking him I was not born retarded or low-caste- and so should you.

Upwardly moving desi

Friendz! This is a very special post, coz I want to share with you all peeps this maha-fundu news about workplace. Yep, you guessed it right- your man Shils has cracked the internal job market!! Say congrats to G-Crew's new Technical Support Team Leader.

And for those of you who are jealous and saying, "So what? Company like G Crew is not having a top-notch tech support team anyway", I have this to say - how many of you are moving into Management line so soon? Well-wishers will agree that this is paradigm shift in career path.

Doston, you are thinking, this Shil is a real mastermind, here he is writing so-called honest and informative blog every day and not a mention of job strategy! That is not because I was hiding the situation, but because I was lying to myself. I was telling myself I was happy with job, but inside I was burning with ambition. I did not tell this, but even in Jacuzzi party, there was a separate pool for tech staff. And the snacks for us were mostly veg, with only soft drinks. The boss's fat daughter Melanie was the only white chick who even said hi to us desis. I tell you, friendz, your Shil had swallowed many insults in job but what I had to swallow when Dotts Sr. grabbed me was too much. I told myself- so far I have been like Nargis in Mother India but now I will be like Big B in Muqaddar Ka Sikander.

Next day, I stormed into top floor, banged my fist on Stephen Dott Jr's reception desk, and know what, guyz? I promptly got appointment for next to next Monday. No kidding.

When the day came, was Shils nervous? No sir, I had been watching Rakhi Sawant on Koffee with Karan and had picked up her technique. Basically, I told Dotts "What do you think, you are doing me a favor? Go hell! I have exit options. Market for C++ is booming. Not to mention my SAP skills, always in demand. And with my 2-yr experience of intimate apparel industry, I am a very high-value proposition in job market."

Well, folks, you already know what happened next. Your buddy Shils has now entered a new phase of job life. With your blessings, a fulfilling career is no longer a distant dream.

No doubt, some of you are worrying that now Shils will forget his readers. C'mon, yaars, now I will bring expose of party-hard, work-hard management life to you peeps. But maybe not as regularly as before - after all, try to understand pressures of responsible position.

"Will to succeed and succeed you will!"
Dale Carnegie, 1888-1955

It's Shil, bitch!

Hey, babies! How’re y’all feelin’ t’day??! Your smooth lover Shil is back, so put away those frowns!

Yes, world situation is worsening day by day: a country called Greece has been burnt in a big fire, children are being forced into being child-soldiers in Africa and many other happenin’ events are causing world misery. But the silver lining is also there: Britney is back! Yes, she has successfully come out of rehab and is singing some good tunes and wearing some dirty clothes. She has once again wowed the critics with a professional performance at the MTV Awards function. Kudos to her for proving that she is still a force to be reckoned in the industry!

That’s the thing about true class – it always bounces back. Like Abhishek. Many critics wrote him off after his dull performance in Chamak. Even the public gave a very lukewarm response to some of his outings like Dhritimaan and 24-by-7 Bhangra. But like his father, he put in lot of effort and became more determined to succeed. And the result?? Super-duper-blockbuster Tere Liye. Before Tere Liye, there was always a doubt abt him. Ppl were saying that he was only popular with the chicks. But now he has given a fitting answer to those ppl who denigrated his success simply coz they were jealous of his ambitions.

Same is true of Barack Obama. As he explains in his book called The Audacity of Hope (a truly gr8 novel), he was born very poor and uneducated, but by dint of hard work and respect towards his seniors he was able to come to the top. Yes, he was not born white, but so what of that?! Like many other black ppl he could have turned to drugs, but instead he went in for distance diploma in home economics. Now he has money to buy as much drugs as he wants and also distribute some to the needy. Kudos!

Jacuzzle my crackuzzle

Dudes and dudettes!!! Your pal Shil has just been to a happenin’ party that went down in the boss’ palace, if you nizzles shizzle my drizzle! That’s right, Stephen J Dotts Jr, CEO and mastermind behind G Crew LLC threw a lavish party last night at his very own crib! Many local celebs were also in attendance.

Guyz. SJDJ lives the kind of life that many ordinary ppl can only imagine. Even the latrines in his house are very well decorated and artistic! And there is a huge jacuzzi! I had not brought any swimming shorts, but after much encouragement from the ppl, yours truly stepped in wearing his briefs. Gotta tell you, guyz – the pecs and the chest hair created a sensation!

SJDJ’s daughter, Melanie, was sitting next to me in the tub, and I was able to have a deep conversation with her. She is not the average American nympho – she has attended college in George Washington University, and she is very up-to-date with the latest facts on many subjects. She is very interested in Indian food, so I told her a few secret recipes from my mom!!!

Then a very unpleasant incident happened that I am shocked to say. I was fondled by an old man in the jac!!!! No doubt that he too had been eyeing me for a long time, and suddenly I felt his hand on my thigh! That such things can happen in public was just too unbelievable!!!!!! I quickly tried to escape from the jac, but he was holding on to my briefs!!!!!! Guyz: I panicked. Started shouting all kinds of things like “homo” and “rape!”. Then there was a shocked silence in the room. Guess what?! He was none other than Stephen J Dotts Sr.!!!! Many ppl quickly climbed out of the jacuzzi, and I heard later that he had also tried for some of them.

Poor Melanie! She was very tearful, but I said to her “So what if your grandfather is a homo? Does that mean you’re a lesbian??!” She was very touched by my words. She has invited me to their house anytime for coffee and philosophical discussion. Of course, I will try and go when her homo relatives are not around, Shil is not safe around them.

Parent trouble!

Shil’s back, and he’s aiming for your dil!!!! Nopes, he won’t stop until he’s touched you in that secret place. So sit back and enjoy few more cool fundas from your gyaan-guru!

Folks, it’s that time of year. When parents come visiting. They want you to take them to Niagara, NYC, Golden Gate, etc. They just don’t get the modern economy, yaar! Has Steve Jobs taken a day off to show his parents around??! Has Bill Gates??! Success means studying the habits of the successful people and integrate them into your own lifestyle, 24-by-7! Right??!

So is there no time for loved ones in this day and age?? Of course not! They r the one who has nurtured you and showered you many gifts. They have stayed awake at night thinking abt your future, when you were out hard-partying with the friends. Yes, they have been there when even close pals have deserted you. They have been the shoulder to cry on when life has brought you one more failure.

Brings to mind that unforgettable scene in KJKL where Saif’s father has been hospitalized with brain cancer. Few ppl will have the guts to say what Saif said. Those three powerful words. The words we sometimes say carelessly to a girl, until she leaves you in the dust. You think she is the one, the special person in your life. You watch Govinda films together, you write short stories for her, you share the last few bites of chicken chowmein with her in the college canteen. You stare at the full moon together, you make Maggi for her. Love therapy, they say. But it’s all bakwaas. And she’s gone b4 you can say “Oye?!”. And guess who has been waiting at home to comfort you??!

Mom and Pop: Niagara is nothing for what you have done, your son is ready to take you to Miami even! But don’t forget what management guru Peter Drucker has said: “Effective people are the ones who have thrown unproductive activities into the winds”. Economy is not going to stop because I am going to see Niagara! And don’t forget, we have gone to Niagara three times already! So I don’t think it has changed that much since last year! So why the fuck we should go again and again, and waste my time: you want me to be fired from the fucking job??!!!!! Just don’t get what the fucking parents want, man!!!

Some good reading

Wassup, pals! Your fav blogger has been away for only a couple of days, but you guys and gals started to feel lonely already?! LOL.

Speaking of gr8 literature, yours truly has been reading one of the gr8est! Yup, I’m talking about none other than the Harry Potter, Book 7 by Chu Chen Shih! Relax – Shil won’t leak the details of the story, I know how truly passion8 you guyz are abt this book. In fact, I got the ebook version by email two weeks before the actual release of the book! Some ppl will complain that the story is not realistic. What are British students doing studying and living in Nanjing?! And what kind of message is going out to the youngsters if the girls are only using herbal contraceptives made from green tea??!

But I just want to say how true is the description of life in the Hogwarts hostel. In KGP too, there was constant “snogging” and smooching going on, all under the nose of the authorities!! Naughty stuff, indeed, and your friend Shil is also guilty of many misdoings……!!!!!! And the late night chow mein snacks is also accurately portrayed in the book.

Recently there was a great hullabaloo when someone told the TOI that there is a “brothel” located inside the KGP campus! Guyz, this is a total misinfo!! Yes, there are a few women who are living together in a house inside the campus….is that a sin??? They are carrying on their own private activities like an honest citizen, and what is wrong with that?! And who is TOI to guess what they r up to??! Fact is, even though there are “n” number of guys for each girl at KGP, in today’s 24-by-7 lifestyle everyone can be satisfied easily. So why should we care for prostitutes……..????

Anyways: whatever! Guyz, my book and CD of the week:

On my bookshelf: Harry Potter and the Deadly Shallots, by Chu Chen Shih

In my CD player: Lady in Red, by Chris de Burgh

3 cheers for GCL

Having trouble conceptualizing my thoughts, guyz, I was out drinking and hard-partying with my office-mates last night! Did you guess the reason?? Yep, G Crew LLC has successfully completed 3 years! Many more activities are being planned this week by the management – will keep you guyz posted as things happen.

In today’s competitive arena, even the toughest of the tough are falling into pieces or being outsourced away. So to survive and flourish for 3 years is worth studying and learning from! Some cool stuffs abt G Crew LLC (or GCL, as we fondly call it):

First fact: GCL was the first online retailer in the ladies’ intimate clothing industry to cross 4.5% profit margin, which NASDAQ has called the “touchstone of success”. This at a time when industry experts were shouting “market is going down!”. Current trends are also positive and second quarter earnings in 2007 have given fitting answer to the critics.

Second fact: GCL has outsourced majority of its raw material from African countries like Ghana and Burundi, which Jeffrey Sachs has called “the poorest of the poor”. No need to say more, I guess.

Third fact: GCL has been driven to heights of success by the inspired leadership of Steven J. Dotts Jr., whose unique vision is to dress all of America in fashionable but affordable lingerie. His father is a doyen of the light-reading magazines industry and he himself is a meritorious graduate from Clemson College, a prestigious institute.

What more?!? This is simply one of the happening organizations to be working in: payscales are competitive, office vibe is friendly and career curve is definitely something to boast of. Am just glad that KGP education has led me to such a fulfillment I could never have fantasized abt!

Spammers are over the limit, yaar!

Yaar, even basic decency is vanishing from the face of our beautiful earth. Yesterday my pop got a spam email advertising big boobs! Naturally, poor man was embarrassed and offended to his dignity. And today he suffered another spam that was selling a giant penis!

Sending such cheap junk to Gen-X is ok, we are chilled out and are able to cope with it, but to send the same to our parents is violating the sacred trust we place in private sector!

The older generation are still newbies, trying to learn how to use email and access the WWW. They just want to be able to communicate with their loved ones: why torment them with this kind of utter crap! Doesn’t a spammer also have parents?! How would his pop feel if he opened an email to find a “nice pic” of a gangbang!?!

Yes, it’s true that part of my job in G Crew LLC is to send some advertising info to some potential clients by email and make sure that the email is not mistakenly landing in the client’s junk mail folder. But note carefully: this is not a spam or an email assault. This is for the genuine purpose of selling a product. I am not putting any dirty pics in the email or saying cheap things! We at G Crew LLC are selling a very reputable line of ladies’ intimate clothing, and we are a household name worldwide. Why should we go in for such shoddy tricks?!

Friendz. Plz don’t take this kind of spam lying down or the spammers will only be encouraged in their mischief. God knows what new things they are hiding up their sleeves, to give heart attacks to our moms and pops!!

Different type of party!

When ppl ask me “what is IIT KGP?” I answer “IIT KGP means Inspired, Idealistic Thinking in a Kewl Gorgeous Paradise”! These ideas are in full application in the new political party that has been formed by ex-IIT-ians, dubbed LokParitran (check out their rocking website).

Finally, a party that will inspire and not discourage masses from improving their lots in this game called life! Yaar, we needed something like this to get the youths charged up! Sadly, corruption has reared its ugly head in Indian politics again thanx to the infusion of the Italian element. When even a sober gentleman like Amitabh Bachchan has spoken out against Sonia Gandhi, do we need to say more?!

Kudos to Chandrashekhar, Tanmay and Amit for throwing away their multi-lakh salaries and working for the humanity!! What is the story behind these guyz?? They were humble folk like you and me, but they nourished a dream – a dream to make Mother India proud and praise-worthy once again. Interesting fact: all of these guyz are coming from a rural backdrop, and they are very much abreast of the suffering of the commons. They all made one good decision – they went for engineering to IIT KGP! No looking back thereafter, I guess!

Obviously, going will not be smooth for them. In this 24-by-7, fast-food, eat-and-throw economy, getting ordinary masses involved is not at all easy coz most of the ppl are working night-shift in call-centers and cannot be easily contacted. Meaning LokParitran will have to launch a strong campaign to rope in these guys, and pitch their talk to them. And why should these youths heed the advice?? They are earning much more than the poor villagers, talking in stylish accents on the phone all day, and not caring anyone! But if they can be convinced, then definitely the game is up for the crooked politicians!!

Guyz, to celebrate this event, I am holding a small fund-raising potluck on the 19^th of August in my apartment in Edison (237 Walnut Street, Apt 12). All are welcome, and moreover you are invited to bring any kind of cuisine you love. Myself am planning to make some dal makhani. The agenda is to have a small discussion on "Grassroots Movement in India", and cook up some brainstorms and good slogans for the new party. Let’s show them we are dynamic agents of change, and not bathing in our own angst, talking cynically all day and writing dirty books like Jhumpa Lahiri, just to make a fast buck!

Total soap opera in the workplace!

Friendz, I’m excited to tell you about a happening in my workplace – one of the female staff is suing the company for sexual discrimination. At last, chance to see famous American legal system at work!

Pointed question is: why is the lady complaining? Nobody knows, only she is aware of all the details of the case. But management is also being very tough. They are denying fully. So it’s going to be a warfare in the office!

Guyz, I am all in favor of women’s rights. They, too, should be given ample scope to expand and express themselves. Recently, I read in TIME MAGAZINE that Larry Summers, who is the top official in Harvard, created a great hullabaloo by exposing the women as being less able than the males. Some of the ladies in the room became dizzy on hearing the facts and had to be carried out. Yes, it was a great blow to their prestige and feeling of superiority, and naturally they reacted adversely.

But, yaar, that’s what research is abt! Getting to the bottom of the facts without caring anybody! Easily he could have found that men are more stupid than women, and I’m sure no man would be fainting in fear coz of that. The ladies are just making a big drama as usual, and pointing fingers left and right. Fact is: women may not be so good in some things, but they are very talented in other fields. Who wants to see Michael Jackson topless, but everyone wants to see Britney topless! So yes, there is discrimination, but it is very pleasant.

All you gals out there: even if Larry Summers has proved that you are not so clever as men, so what of that?! Shil will always love you!! So come on, don’t be too harsh on yourself for such a small thing!

Giving back.....

Dudettes and dudes: Shil at your service, with one more bagful of thoughts and feelings, rockin’ your world as always and bringing that joyful smile to your face where it belongs!

Yours truly has been receiving many queries asking for career advice, dating tips, whatnot! That’s right, you’ve come to the right place for being enlightened on issues that touch our lives on a 24-by-7 basis. I hope to answer a reader email every week on my blog. Rock on.

Devasish from Noida writes in to congratulate me on the ever-coolness of this blog that keeps him refreshed and also keeps him refreshing the webpage (Thanx, yaar, anytime!). Devasish is considering a career in civil engineering (Hey, that’s way kewl, dude!) but his Board marks are not so good, so is that going to be a hurdle for his dream??

Chillax, yaar! World is flat these days, and Board marks are not so much a parameter in admission decisions at reputed engg institutes. Just make sure to keep your fundas straight and keep that head cool, and you’ll be breezing through to a high-flying career! And don’t forget – it’s your parents who’ve made you what you are, and you can never repay that! The attitude is gratitude, yaar!

Best of lucks, Devasish! And guyz, don’t forget to keep those emails coming to your one and only gyaan-guru Shil!

Satisfying weekend, yaar, went on a picnic with Sumon to County Park in Edison. Relax to the max! And finally, my book and CD of the week:

In my CD player: Tera Chehra by Adnan Sami

On my bookshelf: Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

Even being ragged is a pleasure at KGP

Guyz, many IIT passouts have mailed me asking me to clarify that IIT-ians are not doing harsh ragging of freshers. I know that in a previous blog post I have referred to a harmless bit of fun that we sometimes have with the juniors, but let me say this: IIT ethos is very unique and does not tolerate rape or harsh torture of students.

This is a burning issue nowadays and many parents are afraid to let their children go to engineering or medical colleges in India. Very recently, there was a sad incident of ragging in Kolkata, you can read abt it here:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Seniors_beat_up_fresher_in_Kolkata/articleshow/2272984.cms

Sad part is that the father of the boy was also beaten up by the rowdies. But keep in mind also that the boy was dressed too stylishly and was being fresh with the seniors so all the blame cannot be given to the seniors.

As other IIT passouts can easily tell you, there are “n” number of ways that we have fun with the freshers but it is always very intellectual ragging and one needs to utilize all kinds of problem-solving skills. For example, in my first week at IIT KGP, my seniors asked me to perform a topological feat: remove my underwear but without taking off my pants! This was truly a cerebral problem, and I am proud to say that I was able to accomplish it, and of course my seniors were totally zapped.

Similarly, one of the girls in our class was asked to mathematically “prove” that she was a virgin! Although as I recall she was unsuccessful and ultimately had to prove it the hard way.

But point remains that the ragging is in friendly spirit and the mood is always jolly. As another good evidence, one of my classmates was told to replace all the bottles of hydrochloric acid in the chemistry lab with his own urine. Lucky for him, he did not have to exert himself too much, coz most of the bottles were still filled with urine because the identical ragging had been performed in the previous year.

So to shout “ragging is bad” is not right, there is also a positive side to it. If your seniors are genuine people, and want to be your friendz, then it is wise to play the game with them. One day you will thank them for it.

My love-type!

Hey guyz! How to discover your love-type?? What are the most important parameters to answer this question?? Yes, sometimes a good friend can help you out in the right direction, but in this fast-moving world scenario, people have “n” number of things to do and they cannot take the time. Thanks God for a website that scientifically analyzes your thinking and inner nature and outputs your love-type. Too good to sound real?! It’s a website called OKCUPID.

I took the test and they have correctly estimated my love-type. I am a Hornivore (RBSM)! Yaar, even I had not realized what a great flirt and girl-teaser I am, but the personality test has not been fooled by my shy exterior. Here is their description of me:

The Hornivore Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSM) Don't ever marry, you're The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman. The Hornivores (you) are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. You care not. There's one thing you want, one sole need. Half manly, half bestial, you act on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It's unlikely Your exact male opposite: The Slow Dancer Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer you're driven by much other than your own selfish, orgasmic requirements. Your appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, you oblige. For the record, you can happily bang all personality types, however your match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid you. Good luck to them. "One day, the villagers came with torches to the house. In the smoldering ashes, stray dogs looked for cooked flesh." AVOID: The Priss (DBLD), The Sonnet (DGLD) CONSIDER: Half-Cocked (RBSD), Genghis Khunt (RBSM) Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

Benazir ke bachche

Yaar, a state of total chaos is in full swing in our neighboring country Pakistan. The latest crisis: Benazir Bhutto is pregnant again with her umpteenth child! President Musharraf is considering declaring an emergency in Pakistan.

Dudes, it is no secret that the Pakistani People’s Party has long been referred to as the Permanently Pregnant Party thanks to Benazir’s antics. Dr. Manmohan Singh has rightly expressed his worries about her becoming the next Prime Minister of Pakistan. Once again the world will see the sight of Pakistan being run by a mad woman with twenty-five children. No doubt Pakistanis deserve such cantankerous women leaders, but from the geopolitical perspective, Osama must be clapping his hands in joy.

Guyz, I too have many Pakistani friends, and I have made it a point to treat them on equal footing with normal people. They are also humans after all, yaar. To treat them as second-class citizens is missing the point. Am confident that many of my generation will embrace this idea. Yes, they have played havoc in Kashmir and many other parts of the world and they should be brought to Justice. But Justice can only say to them: “Yes, you are the worst crackpots, but God still loves you, yaar. Go in peace!” Vanquish them with never-ending love, yaar!

One for those grey cells!

“A spaceship is traveling at 2000 miles/hour when it emerges from a wormhole in space. It is immediately trapped in a magnetic field of 2 million Tesla cast by a neutron star. What is the resultant change in temperature and angular velocity of a cup of coffee inside the spaceship?”

Nopes, this is not a rhetoric or a sci-fi. This is one of the questions in the IIT Physics Joint Entrance Examination this year. Yaar, if only we had gotten such sitters in the JEE when we took the exam! Would have totally maxed it, man!

Funny thing is, janata was actually complaining after the exam that it was too hard. Que the fuck?! I am finding the new crop of students is too overconfident, but don’t have the necessary knowledge-base to tackle such conceptual problems. Last year, when the JEE papers were leaked before the exam, janata still couldn’t solve the problems!! So guys: don’t talk big now and make “sarci” comments about this year’s exams!

My dream (long-term) is to set up quality coaching camps for JEE in poor villages. Global economy cannot be taken for granted these days, and only the most well-prepared students can stand to take full advantage of it. I have been compiling a JEE question bank over the last four years, please email me if you have any good problems!

One more rubbish book

Newsflash! Jhumpa Lahiri has written a new book called Unaccustomed Earth. The story is typical: a Bengali girl, Dolna, estranged from her second husband (an Israeli), is living in an efficiency apartment in Brooklyn. She dreams of her hometown (Santiniketan, near Calcutta) while making rotis and frying fish in mustard oil. She is a sex-worker during the night and a Dunkin Donuts employee by day. In despair, she marries one of her clients, a caring American called Tom. But Tom cannot relate to her angst and finally she runs away from him and returns to Calcutta. In the final scene of the book, Dolna is standing on the banks of the Hooghly when she has a vision of herself covered in savories and Bengali sweetmeats and lying on a funeral pyre. Tormented, she throws herself into the river and is swept away.

Yaar, this is an utter crap of a book. Even the bullshit-type serials on Star TV are better and more realistic. For example, in the last episode of Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki, the heroine Namrata is faced with a difficult choice: to revenge herself on her rival Kamalika, or to forgive her and move on with her life. The producers have handled this scene with great delicacy. Instead of portraying Namrata as an angst-ridden prostitute (as Jhumpa might have done), they show her as a traditional, loving Indian woman. Hats off to them, yaar, for showing the world what Bharatiya naari means!

I hope to God that the American public rejects Jhumpa’s book and that she is exposed as a mischief-maker. Yes, average American person is very stupid, but definitely they cannot be so gullible that they will buy any trash that she churns out. But they are also sex-mad and maybe they will fall for the mouth-watering descriptions of Dolna’s affairs with her clients. Actually, the so-called high intellectuals in America, who pretend to be reading voraciously, are only surfing through the books for this kind of spicy fare. Jhumpa is very cunningly pandering to them, but in the process, the real story of Indian angst is being given the cold shoulder.

Sunju's in a soup

Sad day for us all, yaar. Sunju has been sentenced to six years in jail (here’s the story).

It is indeed a matter to hang our heads in shame when our notable cine-stars are indulging in mischief at the national level. True, they have been brought up with silver spoons but this cannot justify their pampered existence. And yes, if Munnabhai Goes To America cannot be made, then so be it, that is the price for holding yourself over the law.

Friends, I was also like you a great Sunju-phile and I too know that an actor like Sunjay only comes along once in a hundred years, but justice is justice, otherwise chaos will erupt in the country. But who will catch the real criminals of our society, namely the politicians?! Millions of poor people are dying every day, and instead our police are chasing after the more sensational cases. I think Sonia Gandhi has killed at least fifty thousand people with her bad economic policies. Who will arrest her?! Plus, she is an Italian, and we know that Italians are not very reputable in the world community.

No doubt that many people died in the Bombay blasts, but poor Sunju became the fall guy for Dawood Ibrahim. Being simple and un-understanding, he agreed to keep the stash of weapons in his house, not knowing why. And now he is being hailed as a terrorist!

Guyz, I’m proud to say that the IIT KGP class of 2001 is sponsoring a petition to have Sunju released at once. It’s time to change the system. If we don’t take responsibility, who will?!

And we're back....

Veni, vidi, vici, folks! Denver was duly trashed by janata, I don’t think that city has ever dreamed of the kind of hard partying that we IIT-ians are used to. What didn’t we do?! Clubbing, ogling, drinking, partying….! And I gotta tell you – enjoying a private strip show with your friends is a unique bonding experience! Desis were “lapping” it up, yaar! Get it?!

It’s all about freedom, dudes. Got to hand it to the US of A. Since time immemorial, no other country has allowed the masses to express themselves in such a varied manner. The European countries are just snobs, yaar! All just big talk and bad cuisine.

Life goes on, man. Your philosopher, Shil, has returned to his daily existence. Life of a programming whiz from IIT continues. Only some of us understand what it means to be a desi in the US. Others, like Jhumpa Lahiri and co., are living in a bubble. A bubble in which chapattis and dosas are being cooked every day in tandoors by chachis and naanis. Someone has to put his hand up and tell the truth, man. Even though he may be abused from all corners, and told “shut up!” time and again.

But some select ppl will appreciate his wisdom. That’s what I live for, dudes.

Ta ta for a week

Party people! Life takes you on many twists and turns. Tomorrow I’m off to Denver for a small IIT reunion at Paramjit’s crib. Janata will be there in force, flying in from all parts of US, yaar! Coz that’s what it means to be part of an elite crew. You stick together in hard times, chill out when it’s good.

Just don’t understand why these college kids from Delhi keep announcing that they’re from Stephen’s or Hansraj or whatever. Guys – these are the most pathetic, shit-type colleges in the world, yaar! You will only find hopeless failures and drug addicts and loose girls in these colleges. I have nothing against them, God bless them, but they have screwed their own careers. Basically, those losers who spent their school days partying and "hanging out" instead of studying are learning a bitter lesson now.

So these college rankings are meaningless, because after IIT, there’s only blackness. And let’s not forget that not all IIT’s were born equal. KGP is top of the pops, yaar!

I won’t be returning till the 3^rd of August, so my well-wishers and readers will have to wait till then for this blog to resume. Lotz of activities planned, yaar! Denver is home to some of the best strip clubs in the world, got to check those out, of course. Then there’s khaana, one is given to believe that there are some modest but tasty Punjabi restaurants in the area. Rock on.

World is waking up to India

Yaar, an incredible thing happened today. I was playing the song Beedi from Omkara on my CD player (actually, I had it on repeat), when our next door neighbor Dave (an American) knocked on the door and confessed that he has totally fallen in love with the song!!! Imagine! Then I made him sit down and listen to many Rahman numbers, and he was full of wonder at the melodiousness of some of Rahman’s compositions. Bear in mind that by now Rahman has given music for many films, but he has delivered each time. Same cannot be said for many Western composers. Dave said that Rahman is the Indian Michael Jackson (in songwriting, not in looks or behaviour, of course!!). Felt proud to be an Indian, yaar.

It is indeed true that we have some world-class talents in India: Sivamani in drumming, Rahman in music direction, Prabhudeva in dancing, Big B in acting, Sachin in cricket, Narayana Murthy in computing, Aishwarya Rai in beauty. Class acts. Hats off to them, yaar.

I even took out my Casio keyboard and played a few Hindi songs for Dave. Yaar, you guys know I hate bragging, but there are a few numbers that I’ve picked up quite well – Humma Humma, Tu Hi Re and O Sanam. Mood was festive, yaar! Even Sumon got totally enthu and sang a Bengali song (very passionately)! Dave was literally astounded, man. He wanted to know how we had developed these talents. Fact is, I started playing the Casio when I was in 9^th standard, and my parents and relatives gave me a lot of support and encouragement without which I would not have followed my dream. Thanks, Mom and Pop!! You have lit a fire in my life and kept it burning with your constant care! All that I am today is thanks to you! I wish I deserved even one kilobyte of the many terabytes of affection that you have selflessly showered on me. That’s parents for you, yaar.

Even celebs are human beings, yaar

Shil here, rockin’ the house! Thx for the emails you guys have sent me wishing me and Kelley the best. Yaar, to know that I have such a special place in your hearts is something to die for. I think the statement “good friends are like wine, they get better over time” applies in this case.

Quick newsflash for y’all. Sonu Nigam has finally had enough! The poor bloke has vented his inner turmoil and frustration over Subhash K Jha’s constant “Sonu-spanking”. The TOI has courageously published Sonu’s letter on their front page:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/2211373.cms

Kudos to my pal Casio for alerting me to this important document. Guyz, when the celebs start hitting back, then indeed something is rotten in the status quo. The journalists sometimes go too far, violating the secrecy of private people’s lives. I think Sonu has tried to bell the cat, and I pray that others will follow his example. Why should the press be allowed to make and break careers like this, without thinking of the families of those involved?! I respectfully invite your comments on this sensitive issue, guyz.

My beautiful secret

Yaar, I can’t keep this secret any more, it’s killing me. I’m in love, yaar!! The lucky girl is Kelley, the Admin Asst in our office!

Guyz. I don’t believe in worshipping women for their bodies. They must have a mind that is honed to perfection, and a very cultured personality. Like Kelley. People – this is major. I’m not kidding – she’s the one. I feel the connection, yaar – we have been soulmates in thousands of incarnations before this one.

I just want to fold her in my arms, and break down the wall of charged static that is holding us apart. I want to take her to the museum, discuss the latest exhibits with her, drink in the purity of her face as she exercises her mind thinking about these refreshing topics. And when we go boating together and both of us have stopped paddling in the middle of the lake, the world will have disappeared around us, and the touching memory of all our previous births will come back to us, to bond us together forever.

Yaar, I hope she’s a virgin. Sometimes these American girls seem to go out every night with a guy and I don’t know what they do. I’m hoping it’s nothing more than talking. Even dancing is ok. I’m a broadminded guy, I can handle a little bit of hanky-panky in an innocent girl’s history. That’s just biology, not morals. But I know Kelley is very pure. The way she smiles at me when she passes by my cubicle….can’t describe it, yaar. I want to release her beautiful soul into the ether where it can play eternally.

And her voice! I feel like weeping at the inner beauty that it expresses, the way her spiritual essence is contained in each word. I wish she would talk to me once, even if only for a few seconds. I would pass into heavenly ecstasy and stay there until lunchtime. Yaar, I just KNOW that she feels the electricity between us! The way she straightens her skirt or adjusts her blouse when I’m looking at her from behind – it’s just TOO obvious, yaar.

Yaar, I feel so lucky. I have been smitten by that bug called love. And to have found my soulmate, just a few months before my parents started posting ads in the Times of India – it’s all part of the divine plan. Thanks, God! Bless our love forever!

God is strange

Yaar, get a load of this: a poor boy in Uttar Pradesh (son of poor parents) has suddenly started speaking fluent English in an American accent! Apparently, this was the result of a traumatic incident. What’s more, he is also suddenly an expert in math and science. You can read the story here:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/2202364.cms

I had a lengthy metaphysical discussion with Sumon today, and we are of the opinion that finally Einstein’s words are being proven true: “Religion without science is blind and science without religion is lame.” We are also of the opinion that with his new-found accent, the boy should also be able to easily secure a call-center job. Kudos to him.

Yaar, this brings to mind the famous Ganesh milk-drinking incident, which many so-called scientists have “debunked”. As a matter of fact, I was in KGP at the very time that it occurred, and we tried it on the Ganesh idol that is kept on display in the physics lab. Professor Ashok Deshpande (a world-renowned scientist in the field of semiconductors) was also present. The results were carefully recorded by us: during the period 1.20 pm to 2.45 pm (shortly after we were alerted to the milk-drinking phenomenon), the idol recorded a milk uptake of approximately 2 litres! After this period, the rate of uptake declined and finally stopped at 3.23 pm. The milk that had been “consumed” by Lord Ganesh was nowhere to be found. After this experiment was over, we all gathered in the AV lecture room to watch a hastily-procured movie on Shirdi Sai Baba, the legendary godman. It was a day filled with profound experiences that I will never forget.

I think this and other such incidents should be brought to the notice of Richard Dawkins, a scientist who has written many books “debunking” God (his latest book is called “God Delusion”!). He is very sarcastic and arrogant, and thinks too big of himself. Such stories should teach him a lesson not to be too proudy just because he is a scientist. God is the micro as well as the macro. So to prove that God does not exist is a fallacy. Am sure many of you will agree with me. Still, I am all for religious freedom, but it should not be used to mock other people.

Don't be too harsh on vulgarity, yaar

Dudes, this foray into the blogosphere has been like a dream for yours truly. My dream is that diverse groups will unite under one umbrella to read my blog. In all this excitement, I am sometimes tempted to forget my angst.

But then I remind myself: angst is the principle, blog is the means and catharsis is the purpose.

I was watching some Indian Idol on YouTube – why are Indian singers so ugly, yaar?? And who the fuck made Anu Malik a judge?! The guy is a rapist! Seriously, we all know that he raped Alisha Chinoy, right? Maybe they felt safe letting him be around the Indian Idol contestants, since they’re so ugly. But if any of the contestants suddenly gets a chance in a Hindi movie, then it should be investigated by the authorities. Of course, we must not forget that Salman Khan has killed a person (and also some protected wildlife). The celebs are thinking too high of themselves, yaar. Even in this country, Paris Hilton and a few others are cocking a snook at the law.

Alisha was quite a hottie, man. She was the first “naughty girl” of Indian television. She was a slut before Sushmita Sen could spell her own name. Don’t think she had any good songs, though. That’s the thing with Madonna – she’s a nympho who has sung some evergreen melodies, yaar. I have a very open-minded attitude towards these people – I am very much of the view “Live and Let Live”. I know vulgarity is becoming a rampant trend in Hindi films now, but that’s what the public wants, yaar. In a survey of 10,000 Bollywood fans on the internet, it was found that the No 1 desire of the fans was to see Ash, Preity, Rani and Britney Spears topless in the same movie! This is wishful thinking because Ash is now married.

It's Friday, and time for me to update you on my book and CD of the week:

In my CD player: Smooth Jazz Celebration (Compilation)

On my bookshelf: Jane Austen by Emma

Chal, stay cool, guyz!

A Sombre Topic

Hey, guyz, what’s N today? Sorry, dudes, that was an in-joke for the KGP crowd. Basically, in KGP we used to say that a good line of code will kill more than two birds at the same time – ideally, it will kill N (>4). If you’re having a bad day, N is kinda low. We also use it as a pun in our MSN chats (because the ladkis are kaboothars….get it? What’s N today?? ).

Ah. Memories. What would life be without them? Nostalgia is like Nescafe, yaar: a substitute for the real thing. I don’t believe in cliches, but I can say from my experience that reality is like a potluck: life can send you for a toss sometimes. Now notice I don’t say that I believe in living in the past. You’ve got to take each day as it comes. In society we have a problem of not discussing these things.

That’s why I was pleasantly surprised when J. P. Dutta tackled this burning issue head on in Kisi Se. Overall, I think he has given it a very mature treatment, although people were leaving the hall a bit puzzled by Aftab’s behavior at the end of the movie (in the awards ceremony scene). All right: understood that youth of today is hell-bent on success at the cost of ethical principles, but to depict the situation in such a cynical way is also fanning the flames of apathy among the masses. When even educated people like you and me are leaving the theatre shrugging our collective shoulders, then what will be the situation among the general public?

Anyway, moving on. Got a fancy haircut today at Salon Ivanova (the Chinese salon was closed, God knows why). Bloody Eastern Europeans, yaar: $20 for a manicure and $2 for a blowjob. Funny haircut, also. I look like a chakka. Whatever.

My pal Sumon

Doston, I want to introduce my friend, partner-in-crime and roommate, Sumon. Uber-cool guy. Can talk to you about anything from Marx to mehndi. We hit it off at once, yaar. Evenings are spent watching TV, drinking wine and having extensive politico-social discussion. Mutual learning experience. His career path is also off the beaten track – he studied English Literature (that’s right, Shakespeare, etc) in Jadavpur University, premier institute of learning in Calcutta, and then went in for an MCA. He has composed a poem in a programming language:

#total control#

seed 127612

% do loop commence

define i=now

define j=forever

for me=i to j

input “fruits of capitalistic economy”

insert “marxian dialectic’

display “kurosawa’s rashomon”

set dummy parameters (1:3:65)

buffer overload suppress

i=i+1

end do loop

reset

out

Beauty of this poem is in the meaning. Let Sumon explain: “Total control exposes how the capitalistic society has robotized the citizens, and held them captive in a perpetual loop. The means is the greed/profit motive, which is making ppl mad for the fruits of the economy (eg money, entertainment, etc). But trapped in the garden of no-escape, the human soul experiences deep conflict between the oft-touted material happiness and the aspiration for equality: this is nothing but the 21st-century avatar of the Marxian dialectic. This conflict is well-embodied in the central character of Kurosawa’s must-see flick, Rashomon. The humans in the society therefore experience an emotional overload, but this is suppressed by all manner of means, starting from thousands of channels of cable TV, and ending with drugs and prostitution and all the vices of modern dystopia.”

Dil ka doctor

What is love?? Is it coming from the heart or chemical reaction? It can take you high, and also crash you down. When it touches you inside, your heart opens like a marigold. What is this mystery of romance?? Don’t be sex-mad: sex is only the hardware interfacing with the software. Love is the code written by the divine programmer. Sex without love is like a laserjet printer printing blank pages by itself – nothing to read. So love the code, because the code is Love.

But world is not so black and white, yaar. Guys and gals in every corner of the world are bedazzled by the glitter of sex, and love is given the go-by. How to enjoy the coital bliss within the framework of romance? Sometimes we are lucky to see some evergreen couples. For them, love is still going strong, even in this highly materialistic scenario of the global economy. Actually, I have a good joke for Thomas Friedman – looking at the girls in IIT KGP, I used to think “The world is flat”! Get it?! LOL.

So for those of you guys who are in the honey-trap of sweet Cupid, and are looking for some wise words, I have compiled an FAQ:

Q. What if the girl is always wanting to be with me, and I need space?

A. I feel you don’t really want to have a relationship on an equal footing if you are asking this question. She is not the chosen one for you, then. Back off, quietly and honestly.

Q. What is the meaning of commitment?

A. Good question. Commitment means telling her that she is still beautiful every day of her life, even though her paunch is starting to grow and her nagging is becoming unbearable.

Q. What if she is playing hard to get?

A. If she is truly devoted, then she will finally give up these wily ways. And if the girl is trying to play fast and loose with you, then it’s time to decide whether you really want to have a relationship with such a prostitute.

Q. What if I’m in love with a guy?

A. If you are a homo, then you should seek professional help.

Creative writing

Shil here, coming straight at your dil, yaar! I’ve written a poem for y’all.

Simple pleasures

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own house?

Have you ever picked up Playboy just to browse?!

Have you felt a deep alienation that creates mental turbulence like a passing luxury liner?

On your first visit to America were you received at the airport by a desi and taken to a diner?

Has anyone ever shouted “Osama” at you from a passing car?

Have you ever been ignored by beautiful white women in a bar?

Then I know you have never gotten anything you want

But have you ever ordered Pepsi in a fine restaurant?

Have you ever eaten curd rice with your hands?

And have you ever topped your class in finance?

Have you ever debugged a program in Fortran?

Or ever solved a Y2K problem for a white man?

Have you ever shopped online to find the cheapest deal?

And have you ever bought condoms just to see how they feel?

It’s the simple pleasures, yaar.

Bloody Fucking Sunday

Friendz, what’s kicking, yo! LOL. Keep those emails and comments coming. Got a few hits from some old KGP chums, touching base. Deven Sarkaria (Dabboo, remember?) is doing applied robotics in Kansas; Bikram Chadha (Motu) is working for pharma in Minneapolis; Richard Ferreira (Dingo) is being smooth in Accenture, Mumbai. Good to hear from the old gang again. Remember how we used to make the freshers do No. 2 in their pants in the yoga room. Good times, man. Easy camaraderie.

Bhatinda (from our junior batch) has sent me a link to Aayare Aayare from Chup Chup Ke. Himmesh Resmaiyya is the undisputed new king of melody, yaar! Good flick too, with glam dolls Neha Dhupia and Kareena Kapoor, and comedy czar Paresh Rawal.

Yaar, I try, but some days the angst is too much. Client asked for a software diagnostic today. Screwed my happiness, man. WTF.

Checkin' in

Yo, pals! Shil here, with one more thought-provoking entry for you.

I’ve been working hard, playing hard. Weekend is the time for me to kick back, and reassess my priorities. World economy is not letting anyone get any sleep, yaar. But there’s got to be balance. Look at Japan. They’re balancing tradition with GDP growth. After WWII critics were saying “Japan is finished” but just look at them now. The war in Iraq has forced me to stop and think. Life is too short, man. I’m trying to read one book and listen to one new CD every week. I’m going to give you guys a weekly update on what’s on my shelf and in my CD player. This week:

In my CD player: Beethoven, Symphony No 3 (remix)

On my bookshelf: The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

Deep stuff.

Mads ends a much-deserved vacation

Guys, quick post about our fav actress. That’s right - Madhuri. The www is buzzing with the usual cheap gossip about her, but it looks like Mrs. Nene is finally returning to her filmic roots. The eagerly-awaited comeback vehicle is to be directed by Karan Johar. It looks like SRK may do the hero honors. The name of the movie is being kept under tight wraps.

Mads – your fans everywhere love you, and we respect your professionalism at a time when most newcomers are only looking for item-number roles. Who can ever forget your powerful portrayal of a prostitute in Gulab, or your histrionics in Daftar or your stunning dance with Prabhudeva in the song Dhuk Dhuk? You have successfully juggled a film career with raising two children. Kudos for daring to dream.

Thanx

Guyz. I’m totally zapped by your response. I realize I have touched a hidden part of you – I am humbled, yaar. Stay tuned for much, much more. Paagal pyaar.

Phantom Limb

Don’t know why, but I associate Jhumpa Lahiri with boobs. Yeah, WTF, because I’ve never seen hers on the web. I don’t think I’ve read any of her books either, but I’m guessing they’re total trash about desis in America. Totally random, dudes. I bet she tries to be cute and say kaboothar instead of pigeon and shauchalay instead of latrine. Whatever. I am going to call her scam-behn from now on. Oh wait – how about scam mausi?! Fucking hysterical, yaar. Whatever.

A pleasant fantasy is floating through my mind. Check this out, dudes – I invite Jhumpa baby for a little Bacardi and Mountain Dew at my place. After she’s had two pegs, I body-slam her onto the Ikea carpet and basically do it to her. All the while she says No in Bengali. Then I sit her down in the dining room area, while she’s still like totally zapped. I revive her with some anaar sherbet, and whisper sweet mush into her ears and stroke her face sincerely. She watches as I knead chapattis with my own hands, and prepare some medium spicy mattar paneer. Then I feed her patiently, kissing her in between mouthfuls of food. The choicest superhits are playing on the stereo system. Then we make love tenderly on the futon. Finally, we drape ourselves around each other and watch Zee TV for some quality timepass.

Don’t know what got into me, dudes. Dreaming about that bitch. Why do I bother. Why.

Come on, yaar. There’s more to life than the chicks. Basically, got to find the right work-life balance. Chicks are ok, but got to think of personal development also. Software is going nowhere. I call it “Softwhere?” now. Good one, kya. Janata is basically working for pharma these days. Payscales in pharma are being revised upwards, man. 100 K starting. Fucking hell.

I’m trapped in this 24 by 7 business like an octopus in a large net. Just don’t get time to like check out the new flicks, yaar. I’m building a Saif collection, want to sit down one day and watch all of it. I’m telling you, dudes, Saif has gone places in terms of acting skills. I just have pure respect for the guy. And WTF with these new movie titles, man?! Josh: The Energy, Khamoshi: The Silence, Vivek: An Awakening…?! Got a cool idea. I’m going to make up some of my own movie titles (bullet list below):

• Sadan: The Rot (starring Saif, Vivek Oberoi, Preity; music: Rahman)
• Khopdi: A Cranial Experience (starring Akshay, Urmi and Sallu in a love triangle)
• Samay: The Inexorable (Nana Patekar (India’s finest), Hema Malini)

Wait a minute, that gives me an idea. Some Hollywood movies:

• The Inexorable (starring Jack Nicholson (my personal God), Danny De Vito and a few bimbos; Spielberg should direct)
• The Inexorable: Part II (ditto cast and director)

Kewl. Got the creative juices flowing, man. Oops, hang on a sec…

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Ok, I’m back. Peapod Deliveries = Peapod Deliveries + 1. God, life can be so boring, yaar! I was putting the 1% in the fridge and suddenly, I had this, like, moment of deep...…like something. Like when Saif arrives in Melbourne for the first time in KJKLYT and he’s in the grocery store in the cheese section, and it like totally HITS him, the whole exile thing. Just totally sends him for a six. Powerful cinematic moment – one of my faves.

I feel sentimental, yaar. Want to reach out to Jhumpa, show her I understand. Expat life can also be quite challenging, man. Sometimes you feel a desire from the past, as though it’s in the present. Like having a phantom limb. Deep stuff, man. I want to write, I want to like totally express myself, yaar. Fucking, just want to tell my boss to fuck off, write some rubbish C++ code, crash the fucking server, leave the fucking office complex, and ram the Honda Civic into a passing Merc. Want to be a chuthiah, a bhikhari, a behn-chodh, a lafanga, I don’t care – just want to move beyond my skill-set, push the envelope, get out of my comfort zone, you know?

Chal, I’ve bored you guys. I’m like a philosopher, yaar, what can I say. Thik hai, next time.