Secret Ways of the Successful

Doston, there are proudy peacocks and then there are people like me who simply achieve. Some of you have asked to know the secret of my success, but I cannot really help you: it is more of an art than a science. But some tips may be helpful for those of you who have tried to imitate me and failed. The following (true) story will illustrate a key concept.

Last month G Crew released a new line of premium lingerie, Silque Tatters. Yours truly was entrusted with the task of creating an email campaign to promote the product. Without making a big drama, I set to work. The result was a flying success. Orders were coming in left and right and I was recognized as Employee of the Month. Stephen Dotts Jr. himself attended the function and congratulated me. A musical extravaganza was organized to celebrate the success of Silque Tatters. Celine Dion performed one of her signature tunes (not in person, sadly, but over Skype). I felt like Abhishek Bachchan after having successfully proposed to Ash.

Then, last week, disaster struck. Angelina Jolie’s lawyers contacted our firm and threatened to bring a lawsuit. They alleged that Angelina’s face had been photoshopped onto the model featured in the email advertisement for Silque Tatters. I felt like Abhishek Bachchan after finding out that Salman had removed Ash’s virginity.

Hell broke loose in G Crew. Ppl were living in fear of being fired. The black employees were packing their plastic bags. The white employees were hiding their golf clubs and deleting the porn on their computers. At last, I was summoned to Stephen Dotts’ office.

“Shil,” the old man began, “you are without doubt the best kept secret of this organization. Few ppl have imbibed the corporate mentality and focus that you have achieved so brilliantly. Kudos. Moving on to business, Brangelina are bent on taking our ass and squeezing the last drop of profits out of it. I invite your remarkable thoughts on this corporate dilemma.”

“Sir,” I told him, taking a comfortable seat, “you have placed your sacred and ample trust in the right man. As for Brangelina, they can go hell. They will soon be shitting bricks themselves when they learn that it is not Angelina’s face that we have used. It is in fact a composite image – I have taken the forehead of Katy Perry, the eyes and nose of Angelina, the mouth of Katie Holmes, the breasts of J Lo, the belly of Preity Zinta, the buttocks of Pink and the thighs of Christina Aguilera and pasted them all together! “

I have never seen Stephen Dotts look so zapped. His mouth opened and closed like a fish for a few moments while he digested the full extent of my genius. At last he rose from his desk and embraced me warmly.

Bottomline? In recognition of his talents, yours truly has now been designated senior door-to-door salesman, a position in which he can leverage his unique one-on-one skills and creative vision to dazzle the customer base in person. And what is the moral of this story? Isn’t it obvious?!