Ta ta for a week

Party people! Life takes you on many twists and turns. Tomorrow I’m off to Denver for a small IIT reunion at Paramjit’s crib. Janata will be there in force, flying in from all parts of US, yaar! Coz that’s what it means to be part of an elite crew. You stick together in hard times, chill out when it’s good.

Just don’t understand why these college kids from Delhi keep announcing that they’re from Stephen’s or Hansraj or whatever. Guys – these are the most pathetic, shit-type colleges in the world, yaar! You will only find hopeless failures and drug addicts and loose girls in these colleges. I have nothing against them, God bless them, but they have screwed their own careers. Basically, those losers who spent their school days partying and "hanging out" instead of studying are learning a bitter lesson now.

So these college rankings are meaningless, because after IIT, there’s only blackness. And let’s not forget that not all IIT’s were born equal. KGP is top of the pops, yaar!

I won’t be returning till the 3^rd of August, so my well-wishers and readers will have to wait till then for this blog to resume. Lotz of activities planned, yaar! Denver is home to some of the best strip clubs in the world, got to check those out, of course. Then there’s khaana, one is given to believe that there are some modest but tasty Punjabi restaurants in the area. Rock on.

World is waking up to India

Yaar, an incredible thing happened today. I was playing the song Beedi from Omkara on my CD player (actually, I had it on repeat), when our next door neighbor Dave (an American) knocked on the door and confessed that he has totally fallen in love with the song!!! Imagine! Then I made him sit down and listen to many Rahman numbers, and he was full of wonder at the melodiousness of some of Rahman’s compositions. Bear in mind that by now Rahman has given music for many films, but he has delivered each time. Same cannot be said for many Western composers. Dave said that Rahman is the Indian Michael Jackson (in songwriting, not in looks or behaviour, of course!!). Felt proud to be an Indian, yaar.

It is indeed true that we have some world-class talents in India: Sivamani in drumming, Rahman in music direction, Prabhudeva in dancing, Big B in acting, Sachin in cricket, Narayana Murthy in computing, Aishwarya Rai in beauty. Class acts. Hats off to them, yaar.

I even took out my Casio keyboard and played a few Hindi songs for Dave. Yaar, you guys know I hate bragging, but there are a few numbers that I’ve picked up quite well – Humma Humma, Tu Hi Re and O Sanam. Mood was festive, yaar! Even Sumon got totally enthu and sang a Bengali song (very passionately)! Dave was literally astounded, man. He wanted to know how we had developed these talents. Fact is, I started playing the Casio when I was in 9^th standard, and my parents and relatives gave me a lot of support and encouragement without which I would not have followed my dream. Thanks, Mom and Pop!! You have lit a fire in my life and kept it burning with your constant care! All that I am today is thanks to you! I wish I deserved even one kilobyte of the many terabytes of affection that you have selflessly showered on me. That’s parents for you, yaar.

Even celebs are human beings, yaar

Shil here, rockin’ the house! Thx for the emails you guys have sent me wishing me and Kelley the best. Yaar, to know that I have such a special place in your hearts is something to die for. I think the statement “good friends are like wine, they get better over time” applies in this case.

Quick newsflash for y’all. Sonu Nigam has finally had enough! The poor bloke has vented his inner turmoil and frustration over Subhash K Jha’s constant “Sonu-spanking”. The TOI has courageously published Sonu’s letter on their front page:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/2211373.cms

Kudos to my pal Casio for alerting me to this important document. Guyz, when the celebs start hitting back, then indeed something is rotten in the status quo. The journalists sometimes go too far, violating the secrecy of private people’s lives. I think Sonu has tried to bell the cat, and I pray that others will follow his example. Why should the press be allowed to make and break careers like this, without thinking of the families of those involved?! I respectfully invite your comments on this sensitive issue, guyz.

My beautiful secret

Yaar, I can’t keep this secret any more, it’s killing me. I’m in love, yaar!! The lucky girl is Kelley, the Admin Asst in our office!

Guyz. I don’t believe in worshipping women for their bodies. They must have a mind that is honed to perfection, and a very cultured personality. Like Kelley. People – this is major. I’m not kidding – she’s the one. I feel the connection, yaar – we have been soulmates in thousands of incarnations before this one.

I just want to fold her in my arms, and break down the wall of charged static that is holding us apart. I want to take her to the museum, discuss the latest exhibits with her, drink in the purity of her face as she exercises her mind thinking about these refreshing topics. And when we go boating together and both of us have stopped paddling in the middle of the lake, the world will have disappeared around us, and the touching memory of all our previous births will come back to us, to bond us together forever.

Yaar, I hope she’s a virgin. Sometimes these American girls seem to go out every night with a guy and I don’t know what they do. I’m hoping it’s nothing more than talking. Even dancing is ok. I’m a broadminded guy, I can handle a little bit of hanky-panky in an innocent girl’s history. That’s just biology, not morals. But I know Kelley is very pure. The way she smiles at me when she passes by my cubicle….can’t describe it, yaar. I want to release her beautiful soul into the ether where it can play eternally.

And her voice! I feel like weeping at the inner beauty that it expresses, the way her spiritual essence is contained in each word. I wish she would talk to me once, even if only for a few seconds. I would pass into heavenly ecstasy and stay there until lunchtime. Yaar, I just KNOW that she feels the electricity between us! The way she straightens her skirt or adjusts her blouse when I’m looking at her from behind – it’s just TOO obvious, yaar.

Yaar, I feel so lucky. I have been smitten by that bug called love. And to have found my soulmate, just a few months before my parents started posting ads in the Times of India – it’s all part of the divine plan. Thanks, God! Bless our love forever!

God is strange

Yaar, get a load of this: a poor boy in Uttar Pradesh (son of poor parents) has suddenly started speaking fluent English in an American accent! Apparently, this was the result of a traumatic incident. What’s more, he is also suddenly an expert in math and science. You can read the story here:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/2202364.cms

I had a lengthy metaphysical discussion with Sumon today, and we are of the opinion that finally Einstein’s words are being proven true: “Religion without science is blind and science without religion is lame.” We are also of the opinion that with his new-found accent, the boy should also be able to easily secure a call-center job. Kudos to him.

Yaar, this brings to mind the famous Ganesh milk-drinking incident, which many so-called scientists have “debunked”. As a matter of fact, I was in KGP at the very time that it occurred, and we tried it on the Ganesh idol that is kept on display in the physics lab. Professor Ashok Deshpande (a world-renowned scientist in the field of semiconductors) was also present. The results were carefully recorded by us: during the period 1.20 pm to 2.45 pm (shortly after we were alerted to the milk-drinking phenomenon), the idol recorded a milk uptake of approximately 2 litres! After this period, the rate of uptake declined and finally stopped at 3.23 pm. The milk that had been “consumed” by Lord Ganesh was nowhere to be found. After this experiment was over, we all gathered in the AV lecture room to watch a hastily-procured movie on Shirdi Sai Baba, the legendary godman. It was a day filled with profound experiences that I will never forget.

I think this and other such incidents should be brought to the notice of Richard Dawkins, a scientist who has written many books “debunking” God (his latest book is called “God Delusion”!). He is very sarcastic and arrogant, and thinks too big of himself. Such stories should teach him a lesson not to be too proudy just because he is a scientist. God is the micro as well as the macro. So to prove that God does not exist is a fallacy. Am sure many of you will agree with me. Still, I am all for religious freedom, but it should not be used to mock other people.

Don't be too harsh on vulgarity, yaar

Dudes, this foray into the blogosphere has been like a dream for yours truly. My dream is that diverse groups will unite under one umbrella to read my blog. In all this excitement, I am sometimes tempted to forget my angst.

But then I remind myself: angst is the principle, blog is the means and catharsis is the purpose.

I was watching some Indian Idol on YouTube – why are Indian singers so ugly, yaar?? And who the fuck made Anu Malik a judge?! The guy is a rapist! Seriously, we all know that he raped Alisha Chinoy, right? Maybe they felt safe letting him be around the Indian Idol contestants, since they’re so ugly. But if any of the contestants suddenly gets a chance in a Hindi movie, then it should be investigated by the authorities. Of course, we must not forget that Salman Khan has killed a person (and also some protected wildlife). The celebs are thinking too high of themselves, yaar. Even in this country, Paris Hilton and a few others are cocking a snook at the law.

Alisha was quite a hottie, man. She was the first “naughty girl” of Indian television. She was a slut before Sushmita Sen could spell her own name. Don’t think she had any good songs, though. That’s the thing with Madonna – she’s a nympho who has sung some evergreen melodies, yaar. I have a very open-minded attitude towards these people – I am very much of the view “Live and Let Live”. I know vulgarity is becoming a rampant trend in Hindi films now, but that’s what the public wants, yaar. In a survey of 10,000 Bollywood fans on the internet, it was found that the No 1 desire of the fans was to see Ash, Preity, Rani and Britney Spears topless in the same movie! This is wishful thinking because Ash is now married.

It's Friday, and time for me to update you on my book and CD of the week:

In my CD player: Smooth Jazz Celebration (Compilation)

On my bookshelf: Jane Austen by Emma

Chal, stay cool, guyz!

A Sombre Topic

Hey, guyz, what’s N today? Sorry, dudes, that was an in-joke for the KGP crowd. Basically, in KGP we used to say that a good line of code will kill more than two birds at the same time – ideally, it will kill N (>4). If you’re having a bad day, N is kinda low. We also use it as a pun in our MSN chats (because the ladkis are kaboothars….get it? What’s N today?? ).

Ah. Memories. What would life be without them? Nostalgia is like Nescafe, yaar: a substitute for the real thing. I don’t believe in cliches, but I can say from my experience that reality is like a potluck: life can send you for a toss sometimes. Now notice I don’t say that I believe in living in the past. You’ve got to take each day as it comes. In society we have a problem of not discussing these things.

That’s why I was pleasantly surprised when J. P. Dutta tackled this burning issue head on in Kisi Se. Overall, I think he has given it a very mature treatment, although people were leaving the hall a bit puzzled by Aftab’s behavior at the end of the movie (in the awards ceremony scene). All right: understood that youth of today is hell-bent on success at the cost of ethical principles, but to depict the situation in such a cynical way is also fanning the flames of apathy among the masses. When even educated people like you and me are leaving the theatre shrugging our collective shoulders, then what will be the situation among the general public?

Anyway, moving on. Got a fancy haircut today at Salon Ivanova (the Chinese salon was closed, God knows why). Bloody Eastern Europeans, yaar: $20 for a manicure and $2 for a blowjob. Funny haircut, also. I look like a chakka. Whatever.

My pal Sumon

Doston, I want to introduce my friend, partner-in-crime and roommate, Sumon. Uber-cool guy. Can talk to you about anything from Marx to mehndi. We hit it off at once, yaar. Evenings are spent watching TV, drinking wine and having extensive politico-social discussion. Mutual learning experience. His career path is also off the beaten track – he studied English Literature (that’s right, Shakespeare, etc) in Jadavpur University, premier institute of learning in Calcutta, and then went in for an MCA. He has composed a poem in a programming language:

#total control#

seed 127612

% do loop commence

define i=now

define j=forever

for me=i to j

input “fruits of capitalistic economy”

insert “marxian dialectic’

display “kurosawa’s rashomon”

set dummy parameters (1:3:65)

buffer overload suppress

i=i+1

end do loop

reset

out

Beauty of this poem is in the meaning. Let Sumon explain: “Total control exposes how the capitalistic society has robotized the citizens, and held them captive in a perpetual loop. The means is the greed/profit motive, which is making ppl mad for the fruits of the economy (eg money, entertainment, etc). But trapped in the garden of no-escape, the human soul experiences deep conflict between the oft-touted material happiness and the aspiration for equality: this is nothing but the 21st-century avatar of the Marxian dialectic. This conflict is well-embodied in the central character of Kurosawa’s must-see flick, Rashomon. The humans in the society therefore experience an emotional overload, but this is suppressed by all manner of means, starting from thousands of channels of cable TV, and ending with drugs and prostitution and all the vices of modern dystopia.”

Dil ka doctor

What is love?? Is it coming from the heart or chemical reaction? It can take you high, and also crash you down. When it touches you inside, your heart opens like a marigold. What is this mystery of romance?? Don’t be sex-mad: sex is only the hardware interfacing with the software. Love is the code written by the divine programmer. Sex without love is like a laserjet printer printing blank pages by itself – nothing to read. So love the code, because the code is Love.

But world is not so black and white, yaar. Guys and gals in every corner of the world are bedazzled by the glitter of sex, and love is given the go-by. How to enjoy the coital bliss within the framework of romance? Sometimes we are lucky to see some evergreen couples. For them, love is still going strong, even in this highly materialistic scenario of the global economy. Actually, I have a good joke for Thomas Friedman – looking at the girls in IIT KGP, I used to think “The world is flat”! Get it?! LOL.

So for those of you guys who are in the honey-trap of sweet Cupid, and are looking for some wise words, I have compiled an FAQ:

Q. What if the girl is always wanting to be with me, and I need space?

A. I feel you don’t really want to have a relationship on an equal footing if you are asking this question. She is not the chosen one for you, then. Back off, quietly and honestly.

Q. What is the meaning of commitment?

A. Good question. Commitment means telling her that she is still beautiful every day of her life, even though her paunch is starting to grow and her nagging is becoming unbearable.

Q. What if she is playing hard to get?

A. If she is truly devoted, then she will finally give up these wily ways. And if the girl is trying to play fast and loose with you, then it’s time to decide whether you really want to have a relationship with such a prostitute.

Q. What if I’m in love with a guy?

A. If you are a homo, then you should seek professional help.

Creative writing

Shil here, coming straight at your dil, yaar! I’ve written a poem for y’all.

Simple pleasures

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own house?

Have you ever picked up Playboy just to browse?!

Have you felt a deep alienation that creates mental turbulence like a passing luxury liner?

On your first visit to America were you received at the airport by a desi and taken to a diner?

Has anyone ever shouted “Osama” at you from a passing car?

Have you ever been ignored by beautiful white women in a bar?

Then I know you have never gotten anything you want

But have you ever ordered Pepsi in a fine restaurant?

Have you ever eaten curd rice with your hands?

And have you ever topped your class in finance?

Have you ever debugged a program in Fortran?

Or ever solved a Y2K problem for a white man?

Have you ever shopped online to find the cheapest deal?

And have you ever bought condoms just to see how they feel?

It’s the simple pleasures, yaar.

Bloody Fucking Sunday

Friendz, what’s kicking, yo! LOL. Keep those emails and comments coming. Got a few hits from some old KGP chums, touching base. Deven Sarkaria (Dabboo, remember?) is doing applied robotics in Kansas; Bikram Chadha (Motu) is working for pharma in Minneapolis; Richard Ferreira (Dingo) is being smooth in Accenture, Mumbai. Good to hear from the old gang again. Remember how we used to make the freshers do No. 2 in their pants in the yoga room. Good times, man. Easy camaraderie.

Bhatinda (from our junior batch) has sent me a link to Aayare Aayare from Chup Chup Ke. Himmesh Resmaiyya is the undisputed new king of melody, yaar! Good flick too, with glam dolls Neha Dhupia and Kareena Kapoor, and comedy czar Paresh Rawal.

Yaar, I try, but some days the angst is too much. Client asked for a software diagnostic today. Screwed my happiness, man. WTF.

Checkin' in

Yo, pals! Shil here, with one more thought-provoking entry for you.

I’ve been working hard, playing hard. Weekend is the time for me to kick back, and reassess my priorities. World economy is not letting anyone get any sleep, yaar. But there’s got to be balance. Look at Japan. They’re balancing tradition with GDP growth. After WWII critics were saying “Japan is finished” but just look at them now. The war in Iraq has forced me to stop and think. Life is too short, man. I’m trying to read one book and listen to one new CD every week. I’m going to give you guys a weekly update on what’s on my shelf and in my CD player. This week:

In my CD player: Beethoven, Symphony No 3 (remix)

On my bookshelf: The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

Deep stuff.

Mads ends a much-deserved vacation

Guys, quick post about our fav actress. That’s right - Madhuri. The www is buzzing with the usual cheap gossip about her, but it looks like Mrs. Nene is finally returning to her filmic roots. The eagerly-awaited comeback vehicle is to be directed by Karan Johar. It looks like SRK may do the hero honors. The name of the movie is being kept under tight wraps.

Mads – your fans everywhere love you, and we respect your professionalism at a time when most newcomers are only looking for item-number roles. Who can ever forget your powerful portrayal of a prostitute in Gulab, or your histrionics in Daftar or your stunning dance with Prabhudeva in the song Dhuk Dhuk? You have successfully juggled a film career with raising two children. Kudos for daring to dream.

Thanx

Guyz. I’m totally zapped by your response. I realize I have touched a hidden part of you – I am humbled, yaar. Stay tuned for much, much more. Paagal pyaar.

Phantom Limb

Don’t know why, but I associate Jhumpa Lahiri with boobs. Yeah, WTF, because I’ve never seen hers on the web. I don’t think I’ve read any of her books either, but I’m guessing they’re total trash about desis in America. Totally random, dudes. I bet she tries to be cute and say kaboothar instead of pigeon and shauchalay instead of latrine. Whatever. I am going to call her scam-behn from now on. Oh wait – how about scam mausi?! Fucking hysterical, yaar. Whatever.

A pleasant fantasy is floating through my mind. Check this out, dudes – I invite Jhumpa baby for a little Bacardi and Mountain Dew at my place. After she’s had two pegs, I body-slam her onto the Ikea carpet and basically do it to her. All the while she says No in Bengali. Then I sit her down in the dining room area, while she’s still like totally zapped. I revive her with some anaar sherbet, and whisper sweet mush into her ears and stroke her face sincerely. She watches as I knead chapattis with my own hands, and prepare some medium spicy mattar paneer. Then I feed her patiently, kissing her in between mouthfuls of food. The choicest superhits are playing on the stereo system. Then we make love tenderly on the futon. Finally, we drape ourselves around each other and watch Zee TV for some quality timepass.

Don’t know what got into me, dudes. Dreaming about that bitch. Why do I bother. Why.

Come on, yaar. There’s more to life than the chicks. Basically, got to find the right work-life balance. Chicks are ok, but got to think of personal development also. Software is going nowhere. I call it “Softwhere?” now. Good one, kya. Janata is basically working for pharma these days. Payscales in pharma are being revised upwards, man. 100 K starting. Fucking hell.

I’m trapped in this 24 by 7 business like an octopus in a large net. Just don’t get time to like check out the new flicks, yaar. I’m building a Saif collection, want to sit down one day and watch all of it. I’m telling you, dudes, Saif has gone places in terms of acting skills. I just have pure respect for the guy. And WTF with these new movie titles, man?! Josh: The Energy, Khamoshi: The Silence, Vivek: An Awakening…?! Got a cool idea. I’m going to make up some of my own movie titles (bullet list below):

• Sadan: The Rot (starring Saif, Vivek Oberoi, Preity; music: Rahman)
• Khopdi: A Cranial Experience (starring Akshay, Urmi and Sallu in a love triangle)
• Samay: The Inexorable (Nana Patekar (India’s finest), Hema Malini)

Wait a minute, that gives me an idea. Some Hollywood movies:

• The Inexorable (starring Jack Nicholson (my personal God), Danny De Vito and a few bimbos; Spielberg should direct)
• The Inexorable: Part II (ditto cast and director)

Kewl. Got the creative juices flowing, man. Oops, hang on a sec…

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Ok, I’m back. Peapod Deliveries = Peapod Deliveries + 1. God, life can be so boring, yaar! I was putting the 1% in the fridge and suddenly, I had this, like, moment of deep...…like something. Like when Saif arrives in Melbourne for the first time in KJKLYT and he’s in the grocery store in the cheese section, and it like totally HITS him, the whole exile thing. Just totally sends him for a six. Powerful cinematic moment – one of my faves.

I feel sentimental, yaar. Want to reach out to Jhumpa, show her I understand. Expat life can also be quite challenging, man. Sometimes you feel a desire from the past, as though it’s in the present. Like having a phantom limb. Deep stuff, man. I want to write, I want to like totally express myself, yaar. Fucking, just want to tell my boss to fuck off, write some rubbish C++ code, crash the fucking server, leave the fucking office complex, and ram the Honda Civic into a passing Merc. Want to be a chuthiah, a bhikhari, a behn-chodh, a lafanga, I don’t care – just want to move beyond my skill-set, push the envelope, get out of my comfort zone, you know?

Chal, I’ve bored you guys. I’m like a philosopher, yaar, what can I say. Thik hai, next time.