Kicking it Old School

For those of you not familiar with the educational landscape of Kolkata, I need only say that one institution stands alone like a Rakshash surveying the wreckage. No prizes for guessing, it is indeed La Martiniere for Boys (La Marts!!!). Pls don’t confuse us with our “sister” school La Martiniere for Girls, which is mainly a training ground for prostitutes. I look back on my school days and say thanks to God that I did not get “hooked” by those loose women from LMG who were always hanging around outside our school gates and constantly chewing gum. And where are they now?! In some clinic somewhere, getting treated for who knows what.

I was honored to be asked to give the opening speech at the La Marts Alumni Reunion (sponsored by Lehar Mirinda and Top Ramen) this year.

My speech was entitled “Sacrifice is the Middle Name of Success”. Some ppl like to give very philosophical-type speeches, thinking that they will get the chicks thereby . Not yours truly. I prefer to give practical info that may matter to the common ppl. For example, many students think that doing Agrawal courses alone will get you through IIT-JEE. Fact is, the successful student is one who does both Brilliant Tutorials as well as Agrawal. This is because Agrawal courses give a good grounding in organic chemistry, but Brilliant is better for physics, so it is ideal to combine them. Some ppl have recently been touting Sachdeva Tutorials, but in my opinion they are an utter crap.

I disclosed many more useful fundas and janata was taking notes left, right and center. Finally, I invited questions from the audience. Someone threw a googlie at me: “Shil, what is the optimal work-life balance in this global village?”

I told him, “Look, I believe in work hard, party hard. You have to compete for good jobs as well as good girls. The Chinese are taking away the good jobs, but luckily they are bombing with the chicks for reasons that I don’t want to go into here. But there are two major threats: White guys going for desi chicks and desi chicks going for Mexicans. Playing field is now flat, so desi guys have to take their game to the next level. I think if we try, we can successfully go for the goris. Many of them are extremely bored nymphos who are looking for something different, and I think we are well-placed to cater to that crowd.”

I have been invited to come again next year and present a slide-show and explain detailed strategies for getting white chicks. Am pumped to be a game-changer for desis struggling to escape poverty.

Bollywood comes to Binghamton

Peace. Some people are born great, some people have friends who are great, and all others are shit-type zeros who have graduated from Lady Shriram College (and the like).

A few days ago, the up-and-coming director Arijit Mullick (a good friend from IIT-KGP days) called me personally to invite me to the sets of his new movie Keno Baba Keno? (Why Oh Why? in Bengali), for which he is shooting a few important scenes in upstate New York. I immediately dropped everything and braved the riff-raff on the Peter Pan bus to Binghamton to observe him in his element.

The film is loosely adapted from one of the short stories in Jhumpa Lahiri’s “Interpreter of Maladies”. The original story is a piece of utter rot, but Arijit has cleverly breathed new life into it and made it much more appealing to real Indians. I believe this is a superhit in the making.

When I arrived, Arijit was involved in shooting a critical scene. The female protagonist, Anindita (played with great panache by the young tinsel-town starlet Bidisha Kurup), has just arrived in Binghamton following her (arranged) marriage to a Gujju 7-11 owner. He is off at work, and she has unpacked her suitcase and headed to the shower. In vain, she searches for a bar of soap, but is unable to find one. In her haste, she begins applying a product called Fantom Xtreme Bubbles (an extremely concentrated bath product), but realizes the mistake only when the product starts foaming uncontrollably. She is then forced to spend 45 minutes in the shower trying to get the soap off her body. This causes her to miss a job interview at the local Taco Bell and her whole life is downhill from there onwards.

In the hands of a lesser director, this could have turned into a porno. But Arijit is a master of his craft: the camera pans like a pendulum from Anindita in the shower to the clock on the bathroom wall. The cleavage shots are very tasteful and kept to the artistic minimum (but there is quite a bit of scrubbing), and the clock adds to the build-up of the dramatic tension.

It took a lot of scrubbing and an entire bottle of Fantom Xtreme Bubbles before Arijit was finally satisfied (personally, I was in no hurry for the scene to end, LOL). Being the impatient genius that he is, he sat down to edit the scene straightaway and I joined him, excited to see the artistic process at first-hand. As he was doing so, it turned out that Bidisha’s frustrated cries could barely be heard over the sound of the running shower. Unfortunately, Bidisha had already returned to her motel and because she was being paid by the hour, Arijit decided that he would improvise.

While he and his crew set up the sound system, I sat in a corner and practiced a few high-pitched exclamations: “Oof!”, “Arre!”, “What is this!”, “What a nonsense!”, “Eeeek!”, “Why I came to the US???”, etc. that I thought would fit the situation. My voice was then recorded and added to the soundtrack. I am now on the brink of world-fame. Sumon will die of jealousy when I tell him. As reward, I requested one of the leftover bottles of Fantom Xtreme, I felt I had earned myself a luxurious bath. Perhaps Shil will invite Bidisha to join him. Not that she needs any more cleaning, of course, this time it'll be pleasure only.

Secret Ways of the Successful

Doston, there are proudy peacocks and then there are people like me who simply achieve. Some of you have asked to know the secret of my success, but I cannot really help you: it is more of an art than a science. But some tips may be helpful for those of you who have tried to imitate me and failed. The following (true) story will illustrate a key concept.

Last month G Crew released a new line of premium lingerie, Silque Tatters. Yours truly was entrusted with the task of creating an email campaign to promote the product. Without making a big drama, I set to work. The result was a flying success. Orders were coming in left and right and I was recognized as Employee of the Month. Stephen Dotts Jr. himself attended the function and congratulated me. A musical extravaganza was organized to celebrate the success of Silque Tatters. Celine Dion performed one of her signature tunes (not in person, sadly, but over Skype). I felt like Abhishek Bachchan after having successfully proposed to Ash.

Then, last week, disaster struck. Angelina Jolie’s lawyers contacted our firm and threatened to bring a lawsuit. They alleged that Angelina’s face had been photoshopped onto the model featured in the email advertisement for Silque Tatters. I felt like Abhishek Bachchan after finding out that Salman had removed Ash’s virginity.

Hell broke loose in G Crew. Ppl were living in fear of being fired. The black employees were packing their plastic bags. The white employees were hiding their golf clubs and deleting the porn on their computers. At last, I was summoned to Stephen Dotts’ office.

“Shil,” the old man began, “you are without doubt the best kept secret of this organization. Few ppl have imbibed the corporate mentality and focus that you have achieved so brilliantly. Kudos. Moving on to business, Brangelina are bent on taking our ass and squeezing the last drop of profits out of it. I invite your remarkable thoughts on this corporate dilemma.”

“Sir,” I told him, taking a comfortable seat, “you have placed your sacred and ample trust in the right man. As for Brangelina, they can go hell. They will soon be shitting bricks themselves when they learn that it is not Angelina’s face that we have used. It is in fact a composite image – I have taken the forehead of Katy Perry, the eyes and nose of Angelina, the mouth of Katie Holmes, the breasts of J Lo, the belly of Preity Zinta, the buttocks of Pink and the thighs of Christina Aguilera and pasted them all together! “

I have never seen Stephen Dotts look so zapped. His mouth opened and closed like a fish for a few moments while he digested the full extent of my genius. At last he rose from his desk and embraced me warmly.

Bottomline? In recognition of his talents, yours truly has now been designated senior door-to-door salesman, a position in which he can leverage his unique one-on-one skills and creative vision to dazzle the customer base in person. And what is the moral of this story? Isn’t it obvious?!

Breasts

Guys, stop wasting the time and let’s get serious. Mankind’s best friends are going, going, gone! Nopes. This is not a humor, but a tumor! So far, the medical community has only evolved one technique of dealing with breast cancer. That’s right, the knife. Soon women will have to start using their brains to get jobs.

To avert such a farce, I have joined with some local babes and bahus to march against breast cancer. We have also created a Facebook group called Ek Se Kya Hoga. Yesterday I posted a few pics – nothing too racy, just for info purposes. Since then, the group has added 2000 members (mostly guys from IIT)! This is our moment.

Yesterday was the day of the inaugural march. We walked a few times around Franklin Park in Edison and tried to engage the locals in discussion (unsuccessfully). Afterwards, we de-briefed at the Starbucks on Walnut Street. Many good ideas were bouncing around. Visakha, a young lady who is in my reading club, suggested that the next event involve parathas and chutney. Other menu items were also discussed. I was bold enough to offer my flat for such a gathering. Many ppl applauded and thanked me. Shil blushed!!

The crowd was 98 percent women, but as usual a couple of tharaks had tagged along to check out the scenery. Yaar, somebody please explain to me, why does everyone assume that any time women gather in public they are just looking for a lucky guy?! Even if they are, they should be left alone if it looks like they have already found such a guy. Mind you, on any other day, Shil would happily have surrendered to the ladies’ secret desires. But saving breasts is an investment, guys. It’s economics 101: you can either consume today or save, but one cannot do both!

I have alerted Sumon that we need to clean the flat in time for the next Ek Se Kya Hoga meeting, especially the toilet. All over the world chicks are very particular about that, although they are the ones who are usually responsible for any incidents. I noticed in the morning today that Sumon’s Russian girlfriend has unleashed a Katrina in our bathroom, but that is of course typical of certain cultures. Anyways, party is on!!

Flatmate in heat

Who is a hypocrite? He who talks big, but secretly disobeys himself. And who is Shil? The guy who is standing with his ear to his bedroom wall trying to hear the sounds coming from his flatmate’s room. What is he trying to hear? Is he trying to listen to the sounds of two human beings enjoying beautiful luv? Or is he trying to ignore the silence in his own room?? Or both??? Does he feel jealous for his flatmate Sumon, who has found a Russian girlfriend, and is indulging in sin every night with her? Or does he want to help them to overcome lust forever, and find the purity of spiritual luv??

First of all, Sumon, congrats! I’m happy for you, and I hope and pray that she may be your soulmate who God himself has chosen for you before the beginning of the Time….. Surely there is a girl for every guy and destiny has brought your loved one to you at this point in time….Or maybe, God forbid, she is merely taking you for the ride, and has no feelings for you. Ok, sex is fine, and I am delighted for you that at long last you are getting a taste of this forbidded fruit. I too have some experience in this regards, but anyway, this is not about me, or my wild days of hard partying and womanizing when I was a Romeo in IIT KGP – believe me, I could write a whole book chapter about that, just ask anyone at KGP!!

But, Sumon, have you considered that maybe you should take it slow, and not be so eager to expose yourself to her?? I don’t think girls are so eager for sex, they are like flowers that like to open their petals gradually, and you may be turning her off by this physical attention. More crucially, have you spent some adequate amount of time with her to see if she is the one, before this kind of unwise activity. She looks intelligent and mature, but who knows, maybe she has slept with many ppl before and who knows what kinds of bacteria and germs she has amassed! Did you know that according to latest stats 1 out of every 3 Russians is infected with HIV???

She has beautiful physique, but I really don’t know if she is the right social strata for you – anyone can be a receptionist in the US, as long as they are female and know how to smile meaningfully at the clients. Trust Shil on this one, there are N number of women in this country who are ready and available for a “hot time”, but they will all leave you in the dust afterwards. Don’t be scared to break up with her, getting a girl in this country is not rocket science, anyone can do it. But tell me how many can nourish the relationship, and handle it maturely, without having a serious fallout and depression??

No, Sumon, this friend cannot stand by and see you get hurt – his character will not allow it. I have gr8 respect for uncle and auntie, and if I let their son down now I will never be able to look them in the face ever again. Believe me, I don’t want to tell them about all this in my weekly skype chat with them, but love demands loyalty to a higher ideal – I cannot be selfish and stay silent any more, Sumon!!